October 22, 2008

Cardiac Arrest

My husband and I need to work on our communication skills…
Only because my husband just pulled 'A Homer Simpson’.

You’re intrigued now, right?
My husband sure knows how to get himself
into Trouble. Let me take you to the moment of our conversation - in HIS exact words. You can pretend to be in MY place, therefore you can imagine and UNDERSTAND my reaction…

HIM: “Hi honey, I hope you love me,” he says cheerfully and the ‘Hi Honey’ greeting overly exaggerated.

This is not how you greet your wife when she answers the phone, because it’s beyond the norm to be so…so cheery…
All my alerts are instantly up.

HIM: “Honey, are you there?”
Me: Am I here? No the phone picked itself up today…(“what a good phone you are!”) “Yeah, I’m here,” I reply, suddenly tense about his ecstatic vibes.

HIM: “Do you love me?”

Me: “Not when you ask like this. What did you do?”
I do not like where this is going

HIM: “I was playing on the computer and guess what? I put a bid on Ebay!”

Me: Growl. “On what?” I demanded quietly, guarded and REALLY not liking where this is going. Marital statistics show that signs of overly-excited husbands who have to ASK if their wife loves them BEFORE he can tell her what he has just done, there’s a 99.99999% chance he just bid on something super dorkish.

He laughs, nervously. “It will be good for the clinic!” (He’s a nurse practitioner)
ME: “what is it?”
HIM: “An Ambulance.”

Yep. Those statistics are accurate.

ME: “WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

HIM: “An ambulance and I think-”

ME: “WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (This is still the same ‘what’ in the sentence above, I just haven’t stopped yet.)

Trying to gain control…“Sweetheart,” I take a deep breath and warn, “You had better be the lowest bidder.”
HIM: “I’m the highest!”

The sound of my screech is off the charts.

Me: trying to reign in ANY shred of control…“When does that bid end?” I ask, coolly, laughing anxiously, feeling like I’m going to snap at any minute. “It better be in 3 months.”

HIM: “No,” he laughs sheepishly, “in 3 days.”
ME: “AH H*&@#$! No! Are you kidding me? It’s October…is there a new April fool’s day in October that I don’t know about?”

His computer is now confiscated.

HIM: “I bought it as a marketing tool.”
ME: “You bought a freakin ambulance as a marketing tool, without consulting me about this HUGE, OLD, UGLY, and VERY expensive ambulance?”

HIM: “I’m going to park it outside my clinic and everybody will go, “wow, I want to go there!”
ME: “You’re right. People randomly driving by will mistakenly think your clinic is on wheels and they’ll pull off the freeway to get healthcare in a beat up ambulance that should have been hauled off to the junk yard. Nothing screams ‘professional healthcare’ like a beat-up ambulance sitting like a junk-yard trophy in your parking lot. Oh, the patients will LOOOVE that.”

HIM: “My patients will love it!” he laughs, unable to detect the dangerous tone in my voice and clearly oblivious as to how much trouble he really is in.

ME: “You better hope that ‘ambulance’ comes with a sleeping bag,” I mutter.
HIM: “HA HA! You’re so funny!”

HA HA! I am so not! Obviously, I need to work on becoming more threatening. No one takes me seriously around here…

HIM: “This is so great. Can you imagine?”


HIM: “It only has 90,000 miles on it.”
ME: “How old did you say this ugly vehicle is?”
HIM: “Well the year newer, the 1989, just sold for less than the one I just placed a bid on. Oh…oh…ouch. Look at that…I think I’ve overbid…”

ME: “You placed a bid on a TWENTY-YEAR-OLD FREAKIN AMBULANCE?!!!!!!!”
HIM: “It is SOOOO cool!”
ME: “You’re right. Because your TWENTY-YEAR old ambulance has nothing on the ice cream truck. Kids will just LOVE to come and get their first flu shot inside your beat-up ‘deals on wheels’ vehicle. THAT is FAR better than ice cream.”

HIM: “Isn’t that great?”

ME: “Where is the ambulance located?”
HIM: “New Mexico!” he says enthusiastically.
ME: I’m laughing angrily and hysterically at the same time.

He joins in with me and chuckles. (He’s not picking up on the cues here and I really don’t think I’m being humorous about the ambulance, but okay…enjoy your laughs, it won’t be so funny when you’re living in it.)
Doesn’t he know about the marital law that states you must confirm these big purchases with your wife before you bid?

ME: “Sweetheart, you violated marital law.”
HIM:OoOoO! Is there a punishment?
“Sudden death.”

HIM: “Think of the advertising!”
ME: “An ambulance is ridiculous!” I rant. “You know what- You know what...this gets me thinking. I’m going to buy a bobsled. And I’m going to buy a website and I’m going to paint my website on it, and I’m going to go sledding with the kids like 'a gazillion times' this winter. As I go zooming down the hill, people can read what I’m advertising as I race past their kiddos. I’m going to make you anchor it to the back of the ambulance, so that you can pull me around the neighborhoods with the lights flashing as I pass out flyers, because THAT would grab attention. Think of the advertising!”

HIM: he’s laughing. “Whatever sweetheart. A bobsled…”
ME: I’m laughing insanely. “Whatever honey. An ambulance…”

I’m beginning to wonder if this is a pre ‘mid-life’ crisis…and he is just hitting it 2 decades early…


Words cannot express...

A Cadillac Escalade has nothing on you BaBy. You are worth EVERY penny!
And what’s with all the wires? Were the previous owners afraid someone might steal their 8-track?

Great. If we were in an emergency, we’d barely be able to keep up with the freeway speed limit. “Get that man off oxygen! He’s using up all our power!”

Move over ice cream truck, the flu-shot man is here! Though I have a hunch that the kids won't be flocking to the truck. I think they'll scatter….just a suspicion…
I think I know a few guys who can clean up this rig really nice…in fact they live in my cubboard…Mr. Match and Mr. LighterMr. Accelerant lives in the garage…hee hee….

*Update- My husband DID NOT win the bid. He was outbid in the last hour….
He is one lucky man! I’m suddenly happy- and he gets to keep his life. It’s a win-win situation.
(If you want to re-live the horror's of this 'ugly' vehicle, you can click on the picture)


Nate and Jilleen said...

That is hilarious! I'm trying to think of the worst thing my husband has bid on... nope, nothing compares! Congratulations on LOSING the bid!!

tina said...

yeah!!!!! Congratulations on losing the bid!!!!!

Ha ha....what a funny story.

Amy said...

I cannot believe that!!! I would have been more than freaking out, you play it very cool by the way! Um, an ambulance???????????????? What in the world? Okay, I'm with you, tell your hubby that there are way better and less expensive ways to advertise, sheesh! Hilarious!

I loved this, can't wait to tell Jake!

Maggs said...

Well that was a close one! I can't believe he bid on an ambulance...William has some crazy ideas sometimes, but nothing that crazy!!!

Heather said...

giggle, I how I picture the ambulance with the annoying song of the ice cream truck music, kids coming out with their parents, kids have a that "I GET ICE CREAM!" look on their faces, and the parents have that "oh you just have no idea what you are getting" look on their faces, and around the corner the AMBULANCE emerges into view! with the confussed look on their faces the kids stop and stare, and the parents kindly but very firmly grab their hands and go into the ambulance one at time with the ice cream song tinkling away,with screams coming from inside!!! Finally the kids realize it's NOT ice cream! it's the SHOTS man! can you imagine what will happen when the REAL ice cream man comes down the street! The poor man will be so confussed when all the kids scream in terror and start hiding under cars, and in bushes so parents can't find them....
Thank you so much for the laugh, I love it!

Jade said...

an ambulance.....
a bobsled........
"honey weres the bobsled?"
"oh nothing i....just need to advertise..."
as i stare at him "what...happened...to....the....old'n ugly.....ambulance?!?!?!"
"gone gone where!"
"uh it its just gone...?"
"its gone its gone its gone!!!"
"i LOVE this day it is GONE!!"

that is the reaction i would expect
if he got it and then its gone...
but whered it go?

Jill said...

okay, i think our husbands need to join an ebay stupid buyers support group! sometimes i think the - i'm going to win no matter what - kicks in and it doesn't matter how lame or weird it is, i think sometimes that's the draw (wow! what is that hideious thing? cool!). i know the debilitating fear i feel when i see the feverish grin on my husbands face as i see the ebay screen and cringe... although, if he had won the bid, we have a really cool light bar to put on it, you know, like the police have. we already have one, but apparently one wasn't enough....... ahhhhh ebay!

Stacey Irwin said...

You blog is HILARIOUS! you are hilarious!!! Would you mind if I add you to my blog list and checked in often?! you are seriously gifted!

Angela said...

That is so funny. My husband would have definitely been in major trouble if he had tried to do something like that. I"m glad he didn't win the bid.
Funny stuff, I love reading your blog.

Kayli Sue said...

Oh my gosh... that was the laugh I needed today! An ambulance?? What the heck? I want to know who was selling it on eBay anyways! The part that gets me is there was actually someone else bidding on it. Keep blogging!