January 04, 2010


Every year, my family continues on with their morbid Christmas tradition. It started almost a decade ago, but we purposefully go out and find the most hideous thing we can find on a store shelf. The limit is $5—
Sure you can spend more, but that is just more $ you have to swallow if you don’t win.

“What do you win?” you say.

A trophy.

Yep. If your entry is the most ugly thing entered that year, you win a fitting trophy. We have two. The first is a ceramic, moldy, diseased pineapple. You are sure to want to hide it under your sink where it will hopefully sustain water damage. But, oddly, you STRIVE to win it.

Or there is the other trophy. It’s a ram. It has the inscription of “C MANN” (Your mind has to wend to the naughty side to get the joke.—and yes, we call it the “C Mann” award. *wink, wink* )

Naughty, morbid family. I love them all.

So, let’s take a moment and reminisce past entries....

My life is now complete. I won with this entry in 2003. Honestly, I just wanted to grow seasonal herbs, maybe Frankenstein’s bolts, a witch’s nose—but this. W-O-W. Chills.
A Halloween cat I can proudly display on my window sill during the holidays. Who wants the entire cat body? “Well not me,” says me. “I want only the cat head in a flower pot with three tails.”

Beano, anyone?

Does your bird get terrible gas? Well, now you can buy the sympathy doll to hang in its cage.

Your little princess will love this Japanese doll! Pull down the handle {kindly inserted on her rear} and she’ll barf silly string at whoever is close to her! She can actually shoot a good nine feet away, giving your little princess enough of a head start to run and hide!

Come on! Who wouldn’t want a chia pet reindeer decorating their entryway?

Did you hunt all over searching for that perfect gift for your mother-in-law? Why, head to your local dollar store and pick up the hottest item to land on the shelf. The moldy, Kermit the frog taco soap holder! The best part? It didn’t break the wallet—or the bank. :)

Live on a farm? Have a rooster? Well, time to get rid of it!
Like I always say, “Out with the old, and in with the…older.”
Do you get tired of that annoying, “cock-a-doodle-do” urging your hubby out of bed to get on with his chores? This can do the same thing! Just chuck this hideous beast across the room, wallop your hubby on the head with its glued-on feathers, and hubby will jump out of bed in a jiffy as the rooster’s diseased hair slides off his face!

It’ll work like a charm!

It will work even better if you scream:

THEN chuck the ugly.

“Put your forehead nose in, put your forehead nose out, put your forehead nose in and shake it all about. Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around. That’s what a misfit penguin is all about!”

Encourage that special someone who loves to cook by giving them a horny toad! Nothing will complete your kitchen, your mixers, whirlpool appliances, and blender like this collection piece! You will have to be careful though, it tends to attract little girls—they just can’t help themselves!


Funny fact here--you know what is ironic? My brother bought one of those fertility masks as his entry for the contest one year. (I didn’t get a picture, sorry!) My sister’s kids loved it so much, the fertility mask went home with her.

Exactly 9 months later she had a set of twins.

And the brother who bought the mask? He had a set of twins the next year—four days apart from my sister’s twins. Both of them had a set of girls. YeP.
2 sets of girls= 4 girls in total= a lot of emotional energy!

Don’t knock the fertility mask. It’s a little eerie….

The following were the entries for the 2009 BUTT-UGLY CONTEST.

Drumroll please.....

Do you find yourself having a hard time keeping an ‘eye’ on your little angel? Well, with our product, we have the solution!

The collar around the duck makes it officially your pet! You can name him and give him as many tetanus shots as you’d like! He may have a little bit of gangrene—but what kid out there doesn’t want to play with this?
Heck, position it artfully in your garden! It’s going to make a great neighbor next to the garden gnome, flower fairy, and plastic pink flamingo. It’s the perfect fit!

Those tricky chameleons! Does yours blend into the environment when you get mad at it? Yeah, mine too. In fact, I don’t leave mine in the house anymore. I loathe hide and seek.

It now resides outside and next door to Mr. Flamingo and Gangrene duck.

Paper Mache has come a long way. Perhaps, a little too far.
All the details from the crinkles, to the claws for hands….doesn’t it give you the chills? This fancy piece now takes center stage next to my Lladro.

A few people were trampled in the housewares department as Christmas shoppers made a mad dash for the gigantic nose soap dispenser. There are 4 suction cups on the back to stick it to your shower. All you have to do is blow its nose! (Meaning, you push its nose and green goop rushes out.)

Your shower-picky kids will squeal in delight as they get to squeeze the nose and lather themselves in green boogers! YEE-HAWWWWWWW!!!

Washing has never been more fun! (or morbid….which makes it an ideal entry…)

But it does tend to make a mess….


Even bigger kids will love to play with it! In or out of the shower!

But if you worry that your kids will have too much fun, or go a little overboard - - No problem! This product has been lab tested and scientifically proven to be safe…and edible!

So what is your vote? Which one do you think should win this year’s contest? I’ll leave the voting open for a few days and see which ‘butt-ugly’ entry comes out the winner on Thursday.

Your choices are:

A--The eyeballs
B—the gangrene duck

c—springy chameleon
d--paper mache nightmare
e—soap lathering booger nose

Who do you pick {no pun intended} in this unprecedented line up?


MommyMert said...

Booger nose wins for sure.

MommyMert said...

hahah... picked a winner right? hahaha...

Anonymous said...

I'm definitely gonna go with the soap lathering booger nose! That's actually kinda awesome!!! I could see my son thinking it was cool :)

Becky said...

I'm so glad that I got to see the actual entries for your family party this year. They made my day. It is a hard call- but I think the nose should win. It makes you wonder what the company that made the product were thinking- "Yes! We have it! People will think it is really cool to get soap out of a nose." Uggg. At least their product didn't go to waste;-)

Emmy said...

Have to go with the nose! Those eyeballs are a close second though.

That nose it just disgusting.

Us and Them Make 10! said...

Well I agree.. The nose... that is funny and butt UUUGGGGLLLLYYYY!! What a fun idea to do though!!!

Denise said...

So, i am laughing at all the entries and stunned by the fertility mask and you got to the nose and i was like "no way, gross..." but the pictures were even grosser (is that a word?) and i was imagnining my boys using it in the shower and it turned my stomach so the nose wins, definatly my pick ;p

Bellatina said...

Though I found the giant nose gross and a waste of plastic (really...what were they thinking...Double Dare from the 1990's...) I have to go with the paper mache goddess with claws. It makes me shiver. oooooh

Rachel Sue said...

Too funny! So I'm gonna have to vote for the eyeballs. Even though the nose is pretty darn gross.

AnnieAd said...

Being a member of the 'butt ugly' family, I can tell you that the votes on Christmas day were basically between the nose and the paper mache statue. I'll let Camryn tell you who actually won the 'C Mann' trophy. [I can tell you that I get to let someone else keep it this year!]

tammy said...

I love that your family does this. I think I'm going with the majority on here and saying the nose.