September 09, 2008

PoTTy MouTH




As I write this, my two-year-old is in the bathroom, ripping off individual squares of toilet paper and feeding the toilet. Most kids feed their pet fish.
Mine feeds her pet toilet.

As we go about this potty training business, trying to convince her that we need to feed the toilet- the interpretation crossed signals. She has now adopted her ‘new pet’.
The bright side is- at least her pet can clean up after itself!
I can hear her happily shrieking in delight and laughing uproariously as another piece is consumed by the ‘hungry toilet’. She’s giggling and saying, “good potty!” and “Mommy, the potty funny!”
Do I dARe walk in there? She’s being curious. She’s being two.
She’s being quiet.
So I continue writing- while envisioning a mess, disorganized chaos, and a strange sensation that I’m going to want to sterilize the bathroom with ammonia.

Oh well. It can’t be as bad as the time when-

Ah MaN!

There's the deep ‘sploosh’ sound. Yippee. I get to go 'fishing' for the T.P. roll that is now drowning in toilet water....
Bad, hungry toilet!

I suppose from a 2-year-old’s point of view, it ends up there anyway, so why not just cut to the chase, right?

What is it about toilet water? Well, the mind conjures up plenty of images and my stomach is churning uncomfortably right now, but I actually heard a lady give a seminar about being prepared in case of a disaster. She said when there is no water, (like in an emergency, a black out, no running water, or electricity) toilet water is great for things that need washing or cleaning, or the million other uses we have for water.
She even promised that the water is clean and sanitized, because when you flush, new water is added to the bowl…
YeAh...

Truthfully...I don’t think even in desperate times I am going to want to reach down and scoop up my ‘emergency’ water with my ‘emergency’ cup and clean off the dinner plates. I would no sooner do that than brush my teeth with clorox.
“Mom,” my kid would wail, “I’m thirsty!”
“Oh, stop complaining and go get a drink out of the toilet.”
UGH.
In my mind, the water in the holding tank is probably as clean and pure as the water INSIDE your toilet….
I mean, cOmE On! What if my 5 year old found me scooping water from the toilet?

“Whatcha doing mom?”
“Preparing tonight’s meal,” I reply in a sing-song voice.
Warily, she looks at me. “Wh-what are we having?”
“Spaghetti,” I say enthusiastically, because I’m so excited to know I had this ‘spare’ water on hand and we won’t be eating any freeze dried meals for supper. Yep, because what’s better than freeze dried space food? Spaghetti- cooked in toilet water.
YuM….My mouth is salivating….

Think of the food preparation lessons I’m teaching my children. What if they get married and let’s just say their water is turned off for a few hours while they’re in the middle of making their husband’s meal. “Oh well,” they’d think, “My mom used toilet water. If she did it, it must be safe!”
Want not. Waste not.
That poor husband.

He just got sent to the emergency room for giardia.

Truly, if times got that desperate, and say, my 2 year old watched what I was doing? Try convincing a 2 year old that toilet water is safe in her sippie cup-
Oh, wait. She might like that…odd child…bad example….seeing as how she’s still feeding her ‘pet potty’…
Toilet water is…well, toilet water. I’m not going to make bottles for my ten-month-old baby using ThAT water.

“Mommy’s making you dinner,” I sing. “Bottom’s up!”
Literally.

I don’t know. Desperate circumstances make people act in desperate ways. I choose not to be so desperate that I will resort to using toilet water. Ugh, ugh, ugh!
So I’m planning ahead. I am now going to stock up on water barrels and make sure I have an adequate supply…because the countless scenarios rampaging through my head is enough to make me ill. I will adopt the scout’s motto: 'be prepared'.
And boy- if my husband ever brushed his teeth and gurgled toilet water as his ‘emergency’ mouth wash- even if we were in emergency circumstances- he’d never get another kiss from me again!






2 comments:

tina said...

HA ha ha!!
You had me rolling! I love the MANY pictures you painted in my head. I am off to the store to buy another blue barrel...

I don't think I will ever think of Emergency preparedness the same.

Heather said...

ROFL!!! my sides hurt! After reading this, and reading the corn mystery, all I can think of is green corn cooked in toilet water! I think I better go ck my water stores! pucker up honey!