October 06, 2008

Mama's Evil Eye

Kids and disobedience goes hand in hand. Kind of like brownies and ice cream, pregnancy and painful indigestion, women and a visa card,
men and gas

So, my question is: How do you get kids to mind?
Things that work with one child do not work for another- you have to change your strategy (like a military war zone) with each child. Just when you’ve got one figured out and you try to implement the same strategy with another …Oh yeah…you get to start all over- again.

Aye caramba!!

When I see other children misbehaving, I am so astonished that the ‘evil eye’ thing works for those moms.

I neeeeed those super powers.

It makes me realize that I need to work on my technique. All this time I thought I had an ‘evil eye’, but alas, I have realized it doesn’t work on my kids. Maybe my eye is faulty...?

Yeah, I’m convinced. It’s distorted and I look like something between Snow White’s wicked witch and a grotesquely burned brat doll.

Instead of striking fear into my kids when I’m trying to implement the 'evil eye', they stop what they are doing and stare. Not in a cowering sort of way, no- this is more like staring at me in awe…caught somewhere between amazement and puzzlement.

I think their conversation must go something like this:

Kid 1- “So…that’s mom’s ‘evil eye’? Sheesh…peculiar…”
Kid 2- “Yeah. Weird. Look at the way her eye protrudes…the way her face is getting all red because she’s exerting all her energy into that one stare….”
Kid 1- “She looks like my Frankenstein barbie…”

The worst part? My ‘evil eye’ has the opposite effect on my 5-year-old, who breaks into peals of laughter every time I try to ‘stare her down’ when she’s misbehaving.

She thinks I'm being FuNNy?!

So, I walk to a mirror and I look at myself. No, it’s not what you think. I completely ignore the new zit screaming for my attention, instead, I’m practicing faces in front of the mirror, trying to see which expression will strike Darth Vader-like fear into the hearts and minds of my disobedient children….
(How bored and lame-o can a mom get?)
Obviously 'bored' and 'lame-o' enough to practice ‘evil eye’ moody faces in front of the mirror.

As I stare at myself, I realized I look like someone had painted a face on a helium balloon then grasped it between their hands and started to squeeze. Luckily, I haven’t sprung a spigot yet. (Thank goodness. My eye stays intact-- and the hot air stays in my head.)

As I practice evil eye techniques in front of the mirror- (strictly for observational purposes), imagine my hubby’s reaction when he walks around the corner.


Alright. So the evil eye thing doesn’t work for me. The ‘evil eye’ tactic was doomed from the beginning...about as doomed as my vegetarian shepherd’s pie…made with refried beans…
Groan. Yeah, it’s as disgusting as it sounds…I tried to feed it to the dog as an experiment- and even SHE wouldn’t eat it! (The instinct of self-preservation runs oddly strong in this family…)

I guess the 'evil eye' is a lost cause for me. I suppose I could try to work on an ‘evil snarl’...
OoOoo…OoOo OOOO!!! That sounds a little more menacing…more promising…a tactic that could command attention instantly and get my kids to shape up q-u-i-c-k-l-y.

But this time…THIS time, I’m going do my homework. I am going to watch some nature shows, and Jurassic Park, and get the technique down perfectly – the first time.

I wouldn’t want my kids to think I was choking on a Cheeto that went down the wrong way…


Heather said...

ROFL!! which way should a cheeto go down? I picture you with an evil eye...girl, the secret to the evil eye is to NOT smile when glaring at the children. I know you smile or laugh. It's hard for you to Not smile, weather your serious or not! Maybe all you have to do is wear those "eye" glasses and it'll scare your kids into behaving...(kids talking) OH NO! MOM IS GETTING (as mad as camryn can get) we better behave or she'll go wear the glasses!!!

Amy said...

Seriously, I can't help but laugh when I try, it's hilarious! I LOVE your stories. I am going to add you to my list of friends if that is okay. Talk to you soon.

AnnieAd said...

Heather's right. You can't grin when you are using the 'evil eye'. I've seen your attempts and they are, sadly, pretty funny. I've also heard your baby 'growl'in an attempt to play, so that techique may not work either. My trick? The dreaded 'fly swatter'. I never had to use it - I just had to hold it in my hand and say "do you want me to use the fly swatter??" It was magic!

tina said...

qahrycThose eyes, with those glasses....ugggggh! They freak me out every time I see that picture.