January 05, 2009

Butt Ugly Contest

By Camryn

Okay, that is not just ugly—that is BUTT UGLY!!!”

This is one of MY FAVORITE things to hear during the Christmas season. When I hand select something so hideous at a store, so….so….UGLY—my body actually tingles with morbid excitement and my eyes light up and I know I have found the ultimate Christmas contender.

I get chills-REAL CHILLS when I nearly skip to the cash register and try out my new “gift” on the cashier—watching her reaction as I place the (pronounced: thee) ultimate BUTT UGLY gift on the counter and scoot it over to her for her to ring it up.

This is a crucial moment—extremely crucial.

If her eyes widen—I’ve done good. If she says nothing and just stares at it and shakes her head, she doesn’t approve of my Christmas “gift”—and that’s just awesome. If she is speechless, I’ve won.

Nine years ago my family started a tradition. It started with me. I admitted to my mother that since I was a little kid, I would open a few of my presents sitting under the tree and take a peek and then wrap it back up. On Christmas day, I was a pretty good actress. She wasn’t so concerned about it until I further admitted that I still did it. So, that Christmas, nine years ago, sparked a tradition my family had no intention of starting.

Christmas of 1999 came. I was pregnant with my first. I was so sick, I had no desire, or energy to sit up and I wasted my days away eating nothing and throwing up 24 hours a day for 9 months. (At my eighth month check-up, I had only gained 3 pounds.) My siblings kept prompting me to open something under the tree. I stared at them. “Not unless you want Christmas barf coated all over those presents, I ain’t movin!”

So, for the first time in my life, in twenty-some years, I didn’t open a present before Christmas. I actually waited—because of my full-time bed-rest condition. Oh the anticipation on Christmas morning was KILLING ME! I was so excited when my husband and I went to my parent's house to open gifts. WAHOO!

I remember my first present.

A ceramic, obese pig. (A half-foot tall) It was so ugly, I just stared at my new piggy bank from my parents. “Um…thanks….?” I was speechless. I tried to say more, but words were hard to come by.

My next gift was from my sister. A plastic, yellow watch, filled with candy.
I laughed, insanely. What was this?

My next present--and to this day, it is still my favorite--came from my brother. It was a stuffed penguin…with an upside down face. The eyes were where the mouth was supposed to be, and the nose was anchored where the eyes SHOULD have been. I turned the penguin around in circles, trying to figure out how one should look at it. Each angle distorted the penguin.

It was pretty funny. I couldn’t stop laughing. It was ugly. It was BUTT UGLY. Did he actually find this in a store? Did a store really stock this thing, expecting someone to buy it???

And that Christmas started the tradition. TO this day, when we gather as a family at my parent’s house, we now have a “butt ugly” contest. Through the month of December we look for the most hideous items in stores—looking for just the right “ugly” to enter. (and that’s our only rule. It HAS to be store-bought. It can’t be homemade.) My brother-in-law wanted to bring homemade shriveled up worm earrings and I had to put my foot down. The thought of touching it and seeing the worm crumble under my fingers—(Hold on, I’m dry heaving….)

OK-Yuck! So, it has to be #1 - store-bought. Something ugly enough to deserve your pity, that makes you scratch your head and wonder why a store would stock their shelves with that item in the first place. And #2—there is a 5 dollar limit. Sure, you could spend more—but if you don’t win the trophy, you just blew a bunch of money for nothing.

Morbid contest, I know. And I love it!!!!

We have extended family that comes throughout the day to visit and we wait until everyone is there. Then everyone who brought something gets to display their “ugly” and then we vote. Who ever tallies up the most votes, wins—and they get bragging rights for a year + they get the trophy, and they have to keep it for the year.

So, during the Christmas season, I am on a quest. Which takes me back to the cashier.
If she comments and says, “ah, how cute”—I take the butt ugly back, search for something else and try again. I have to succeed. I want to win the moldy pineapple trophy…….or the bloated ram standing on the wood plaque with the inscription: C Mann
Read that real fast and see what do you get? (Your mind has to wend to the naughty side to get the joke.—and yes, we call it the “C Mann” award. *wink, wink* )

Allow me to take you back in time to our past entries….

Yeah—there was a mad dash to the register for this piece of eye candy. “WooHOO, grandma will love this!"
Is this art? Could someone actually create this and call their work good and done?

And the big bad wolf came to the second little piggy’s house who built his house of twigs…and his swimming pool, and his pets, and his yard décor, and the woodland animals…

words cannot express enough how BUTT UGLY you are….

What chef out there doesn’t want a piece of this to proudly display in their kitchen? (My daughter L-O-V-E-S this hideous beast of disease. I have the blackmail photo to prove it!)

Sorry darling—there will NEVER be hope that this ugly toad will turn into a prince—stop kissing it, because if it did, it will probably turn into a 150-year-old man and I’m going to make him go back to wherever it was he came from!

This is a reindeer tree ornament. (why the store stocked these “natural” looking ornaments is a mystery…even more puzzling is why my brother and I shopped at the same store and gravitated to the same thing and brought the EXACT item for the contest…his mate is in the box. She’s camera shy. )

It sucks to be a bird when you have a case of freakin terrible gas that curls your feathers...

This should have won. I proudly admit this was my entry. This greasy, long-haired rat was destined to win with it’s 'Monty Python' stance and “large fangs”—and had it been a rabbit, I think it would have taken the trophy—but it lost to this….

My brother’s entry. Sure it’s ugly. Mine by appearance automatically wins…

Until you push the button on the back of this ugly doll and it shoots barf all over the unsuspecting videographer who is standing across the entire length of a room, filming, who happened to be me, covered in wet, cold, silly string that smells like rancid garbage….
You want to know how you load in the silly string? Let your mind wanderYEAH, it is THAT gross…from one end to another…..(shudder, shudder.)

Darn you barf-throwin’ doll!!

No wonder why the other reindeer used to make jokes and poke fun at poor Rudolph.
This reindeer is covered in that green, outdoor patio carpet. I thought it was kind of cute…in an ugly, chia-pet kind of way….

It’s amazing what BUTT-UGLY things you can find at your local dollar store!
What is up with her spider lashes and his dancing moustache?

Your guess is as good as mine—a moldy taco…? What kind of décor is this? It looks like it could be a soap dish holder to me, but….who would put this in their bathroom….

I don’t think I’d wash my hands if the soap dish was staring back at me like this…

Who could create this and say their job was done? Who would buy this and proudly display this in their home—without it scaring off unsuspecting visitors? Look at the legssomeone actually knitted/crocheted these! And may I point out- this chicken has hair, not feathers.
Even the back feather/ mohawk thing isn’t “crocheted” down…

Mr. Ugly struttin its stuff!

And the winner was between these two. I can’t tell you who won because that may persuade voters, but you get a chance to vote. Who would you choose between these two? Would you choose the taco- or the chicken?

Go to the upper-right hand column of the blog page and cast your vote!


Amy said...

Ok so I think the scary rat and the chia pet reindeer are a pretty close 2nd. What a hilarious tradition, you guys are awesome. I bet your family get togethers are a riot.

Natalie said...

That is hillarious! I love all those ugly presents. I might steal your tradition and start it in my family :)

Mertgirl said...

The worst part is you all spend money on these lame garbage items thus making the maker of said item happy and want to produce more. hA! This is a sick tradition filled with glee! :)

Heather said...

I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face, and my kid are rushing up the stairs to see what is making mom laugh so much. They rush into my room looking wildly around only to see me on my bed dying with laughter...they were distapointed that I'm only READING!!

And by the way it was your second sister that gave your the distorted penguin...all a dollar had a bin full of them :P

and I would have voted for the furry chicken, although the moldy taco that grew eyeballs would be a VERY close second.

AnnieAd said...

You left out the fertility mask that went home with a sibling and resulted in a set of twins 9 months later!

kdemille78 said...

This was the funniest post...makes me want to start this tradition in my own home...
The chicken is my vote~

Heather said...

PLEASE tell me that ended up in a trash can! Two of my siblings have twins with in a year of each other! I don't need THAT kind of luck, I'm really happy with my 4 kids all NON twins....I know, Camyrn YOU need twins! I bet it's in your basment isn't it? *evil laugh*

tina said...

I love this tradition that you have!!! I laughed so hard with this man-voice that I have right now I thought I was going to hyper-ventilate and have rescue breathing done on me.

I love them...The penguin....that is so funny....

Love the rooster! I remember helping you find it.

Jordan said...

I voted for the chicken first, but when I saw that the moldy taco had, like, ONE vote, I changed my vote 'cuz I felt sorry for him. And yes, I automatically assume it is a "him".