What's in a name?

Everyone needs an alias—especially if you’re buying something online and you don’t want to use your real name.

I do it all the time. I love it when packages come for Petunia Gizzardbutt—it’s an obvious shout out that the package delivered is solely mine, not something my husband purchased on Ebay. (You can imagine how fun it is to sign for the package when the UPS man is watching you with skeptical curiosity as you sign the last name in print G-I-Z-Z-A-R-D-B-U-T-T)

Let’s be honest, you’d REALLY have to love the man to take that on as your last name…Like, for, ETERNAL FOREVER...and any woman who is BRAVE enough to take on such a last name, better be getting a man with a riPpiNg 6-pack, MuScled arms, GorGeous locks, standing 6’1, and exempt of back, ear, and foot hair—and then you wouldn’t care what his last name was, you’d take any package if the eye-candy was that nice. We'd all be a little obnoxiously anxious to say our “I do’s” to MR. Gizzardbutt.

So, for the times when you are shopping on the internet, (not for new husbands) or if you’re signing up at the mall booth to win the $30,000 sweepstakes that will send you to Hawaii and give you a brand new car, (which we all know is just some annoying vacation company that is going to “prison-cell” you in their 2 hour, painfully intense sales presentation, so you can get creative on how many ways one can say “no”, and walk out with a $10 dinner card, a plastic camera, and a bad mood.) So, for those times when you don’t want to provide your real name—I have just the solution!

RENAME yourself!

I double dog, triple dog D-A-R-E you to try this name on your next internet purchase!! This code system apparently came from the book: Captain Underpants, by Dave Pilkey (A book title like that deserves my recognition—and praise!)

Here’s how you do it:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice


My new name is now: Sleezy Dippindoodle. However, if I use my FULL name and add on my maiden name, my name would now be:

Dorfus Sleezy Burgerbutt Dippindoodle

....Try buying something on Ebay with a name like that….I can’t wait to sign for it too, can’t wait to see the look on the UPS man’s face….(Ironically, when I started to write my blog post, I didn’t know what my name would be, but I can now say that there IS a relation to Petunia Gizzardbutt; who knew it would end up being the same person?)

Future post will follow when I buy something online with my new name….

Out of morbid curiosity, what is your new name?