Say It Louder!

Dora.

SIGH.

My kids L-O-V-E Dora. Sure, her personality is cute—in an annoying sort of way. She always has one expression on her face and it never changes. The constant expression is: “my-face-is-always-frozen-in-this-overly-exaggerated-faux-happy-look”—a face that could have been stretched out with a flat iron.


Have you observed her eyes? The irises of her eyeballs are the same size as the palms of her hands! I’ve heard the controversy surrounding Barbie dolls, the hypothesis that if they were actual girls, their body measurements would be unrealistic.

Well, so is everything else in the toy isle.

Dude, if you brought a brat doll to life, I think I’d wet my pants. I’d flee for cover and be traumatize for the rest of my life. I would always have nightmares of the girl with the gargantuan feet and collagen-abused hippo lips.


A human brat doll would probably look something like this...

The same goes for Dora. If she were a “real girl” (That is said in the voice of Pinocchio) she’d be the size of a Stay-Puff Marshmallow. Dora’s Jupiter-sized eyes would make every living thing cower in fear, forcing Boots the monkey to enter the Witness Protection Program just to hide from her, because she would be a freak of nature. (Best of luck to you, Boots. With eyes that big, there’s no place you CAN hide.)

AIY’CARUMBA!

If you can get through an entire episode of Dora, with her horrific mismatched outfit of pre-shrunk shorts and shrinky-dink shirt (that barely covers her belly)—oh, and her yelling—then you can officially call yourself a TrOoPeR.

Not only does she talk so loud it makes my ears ring, but then she encourages: “Can you help us find the Enchanted Garden Gnome?” And the Garden Gnome takes up the ENTIRE screen. (if your kid can’t pass this eye test, they need their eyes checked.) But, since we obviously couldn’t see the gnome, get ready for a shattered eardrum because Dora then encourages:

“We need to find the map. Can you say map? Say it louder!”
Her voice grates on my patience and nerves as she urges again;
“AGAIN! SAY. IT. LOUDER!!!!!!!!!!!”

Good grief. Why don’t they just draw a bullhorn and attach it to her right hand?

“Come on, Boots,” she thunders, “We need to find THE MAP!”
And—what’s up with the creative words to the map song? Really? How long did it take the songwriters to come up with those ingenious lyrics?

I was ecstatic when they created Diego. His half-hour time slot is SoOoOo much more enjoyable. The most important thing: He doesn’t yell. He’s cool—hanging out with a jaguar instead of a blue talking monkey that wears red rain boots. Honestly—why does Boots the monkey need boots? Rain boots, no less. Not that monkey’s need clothes, but since he’s already gone on all of Dora’s adventures in his “birthday suit”—why bother putting on rain boots?

Dora’s and Boot’s first introduction probably went something like this:
Dora: “It’s a talking monkey!”
She turns to the TV.
Dora: “Can you say ‘talking monkey?”
Silence ensues. (Has she accidently swallowed her tongue?—which would have done us ALL an enormous favor—but, silly me. Cartoons don’t have tongues. )
Dora blinks 3 times, still waiting.

Dora: “I can’t hear you! Say it LOUDER!”
Kids have now belted their lungs out and probably developed severe laryngitis screaming ‘TALKING MONKEY!’

Dora: "GOOD!" she congratulates everyone.
Dora turns to Boots: “I think I will call you Boots. Because this is all that I can see that you are wearing.”
She giggles.

And the rest is history.

Diego’s mission is to save all those “helpless” animals, like helping Lucy the Whale. In this adventure, he had to help Lucy figure out which species of whale she was.
Very helpful.

Oh—and the time Diego had to teach the penguins of Antarctica how to waddle to the ocean.

“Can you waddle?” he asks every kid sitting anxiously on the edge of their couches. “Waddle with us!” He teeters back and forth like a boomerang pogo stick and my kids jump off the couch, the invitation too tempting not to play along. My kids look like wooden toy soldiers having a childlike seizure.

“Waddle! Waddle!” Diego laughs.
And when the catchy “Click the Camera” song comes on… I actually dance to the songs with my kids. (Sign #1 that you’re a parent: Dancing to cartoon songs as if they were the latest pop songs on itunes.)

Diego is much more entertaining and WAY more helpful. Take for instance the time Dora helped the 40-year-old king “find his mommy!”

*gasp* This is an emergency, Dora! You better call for backup! “MAP!”
“Can you help us find the map?” she screams.

“It’s in your backpack,” I mutter—oh, but wait. She can’t hear me. I will have to eat a microphone, or attach my voice box to a football stadium speaker then screech out my innards just to be heard.
“Say map!”
“Dork.”
“SAY. IT. LOUDER!!!!!!!!”
“DOUBLE D-O-R-K!”


What Dora doesn’t tell you is that “map” is deaf—having lost his hearing after gazillions of children all over the world screamed at their TV screens at the top of their lungs. Children everywhere are still being encouraged to “SAY IT LOUDER” not once, but twice—just so the hearing-impaired map will be able to hear them.

Diego is cool.

He and his sister are bilingual. Well, so is Dora, but I don’t understand her…

Diego travels the world--Alaska, Mexico, Thailand, Machu Picchu, the Amazon, Antarctica, Ohio…..and it’s amazing to me that wherever Diego goes—all the animals speak Spanish! Amazing! I didn’t know Emperor Penguins were bilingual! But it’s a good thing Diego is—you just never know when you’re going to run into a helpless, waddling-impaired, bilingual penguin in Antarctica.

That kid has talent. Can you imagine his resume? I can barely get through the drive-thru at Taco Bell without wondering what the heck a Gordita Baja is…

I mean, come on! Right now, Diego is saving a baby chinchilla that fell into the river! And they have to hurry because baby chinchillas can’t swim. W-O-W. Intense! That’s far more adventurous than helping a 40-year-old mama’s boy “find his mommy.”

Oh, come on, Dora! Get the king micro-chipped! If you don’t have the resources to do that—at least buy the man/boy a GPS!

Or wait! What he needs is…
“He needs a map, a map, a map, a map, a map, a map, a map, a map, (huge deep breath here, don’t pass out.)

A MAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”