June 08, 2009

From The Mouth Of BABES

Sometimes my kids need a “granola bar” time out. Remember those commercials where the kids would say something embarrassing and the mom would hand them a granola bar to keep their little mouths busy?

It was good marketing.

I bought those bars by the case.

Who cared if the kids gained a few pounds—at least they behaved more civilly—while forced to chew their granola bars. Interesting fact, it’s now a few years later and my kids H-A-T-E granola bars. They probably got sick of them after I pealed them like organic bananas and shoved multiple bars at the same time into their mouth, jamming their cheeks full like a chipmunk pacifier.

Over the last few months, I’ve been collecting some funny things my kids have been saying. Truly, kids say the funniest things. I love their interpretation of life. So enjoy the fun comments below. I know they’ve given me a good giggle—and I’m still laughing as I write this!

It had been a hot day and my husband had been working hard in the yard. My six year old ran to my husband and gave him a big hug and then pulled back, just staring at him quizzically. “Daddy, I’m not telling you that you look bad, or that you ARE bad, you just STINK bad.”

* * *

Again, this was my 6 year old who was constantly running back and forth into the kitchen and checking the freezer every few seconds in anticipation. After she checked the freezer 6 times during a 10 minute span—I opened the door to see what she was doing. My eyes bugged out when I looked in the freezer.
“Umm, honey….What are these?” I asked.

“Sand popsicles,” she answered. “I’m waiting for them to be done.”
Me: ?

A few days later this same daughter thoughtfully brought me a “snack.”
“Here mommy,” she said. “I made a new recipe. I think you’ll like it.”
She handed me a single smartee—wet and soggy. It had been soaking in water.
“Try it," she encouraged, "it’s really good!”
I giggled anxiously. “Yum, honey. Wow….wow, this looks awesome!”

So……you can imagine my anxious giggles when she wanted to make me breakfast in bed.
And that is why I nicknamed her, Bisquick.
* * *

My husband was taking the kids out for a walk. It was cold and he steered them down the street saying, “Alright kids, let’s go down this last cul-de-sac before we head home.”
My daughter looked at him, shivering and said, “Dad, I don’t want to! Can’t we go to a warm-a-sac?”
* * *
I was driving my kids to their swim lessons one day when the road was blocked for construction. I ended up taking another road and my daughter noticed and said, "Mom, what are you doing?!"
"I'm taking a short cut," I said.
She groaned. "We've been on this road before! This isn't a short cut, this is a long cut!"

My oldest was cleaning her room and making her bed when she had a sudden thought. She turned to me and said, “You know mom, your pillow smells like make-up, dad’s smells like handsome, and Bisquick’s smells like Pee Pee.”

* * *
My 6 year old came to me and asked, “Mom, is it a lamb day?”
“A what?”
“It is a lamb day?”
“What do you mean?”
I had an idea of what she was referring to, but I wanted to make sure.
She said, “My teacher said March came in like a lamb and hopefully it won’t go out like a lion!”

Clarification is always good.

* * *

It was in the afternoon when the doorbell rang. I went to answer the door. When I opened it, there was a package on my doorstep that had been left by the UPS man. My oldest stared at the brown package on the doorstep and frowned. She asked, “Why do they always run and hide?”

* * *

My kids and I were getting into the car. As my daughter was settling into her seat she said, “Darn it—I have a wedgie.”
Her younger sister asked, “What’s a wedgie?”
I quickly intervened before the older one gave the younger one too much info and I said, “It’s where your underwear goes up your bum.”
The younger one burst out excitedly, “Oh! I give those to myself all the time!”

* * *

My oldest was sitting on the armchair of the couch, leaning against my husband. Studying his hair she asked him, “Dad, why are you losing your hair?”
“Because I just am,” my husband said. “Some guys just lose their hair.”

My daughter instantly sat up, anxious. “But I don’t want you to lose your hair! You’ll look disgusting.”

My husband chuckled. “Well—I can’t do anything about it. Thanks, sweetie.”

My daughter was thoughtful. “Well…can’t you just wear a wig or something?”

(*we always keep our kids around as self-esteem boosters*)

* * *

I make my kids pay me a quarter for every time they back-talk or sass me—I’m becoming a rich woman. (I made 3 dollars over the weekend. Can I get a WOOHOO?!!)

In fact, one time my daughter did her sass and I asked her to go get me a quarter. She stomped down the hall in classic tantrum style. She brought me her quarter.
“Harrumph!” was her snippety reply as she firmly pressed the quarter into my hand.
“Thank you,” I said, musically.
She stomped back down the hall like a backup dancer for Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’.
A few minutes had passed when she came to me again, her hands full of change, coins spilling from the corners of her hands.

“What’s this?” I asked, holding out my hand to catch the falling money.
“Harrumph!” she snorted. She opened her hands and dropped ALL her change into my hands and stormed off.
I looked at the money and then shouted down the hall, “You’re paying me in advance for your sass? That doesn’t count—these aren’t Chucky Cheese tokens, kiddo, but thanks, I’ll take the money nonetheless.”

You know its going be a L-O-N-G day when your kid pays you in advance for their snarky behavior.

* * *

During the school year I carpool with several ladies. On one particular day, I had a friend who was in a jam and asked if I would pick her daughter up from school, since it was my week. I had quite a route as I was dropping little kids off at their homes, all of them age 6.
A little girl who was dropped off last, had to wait while we dropped all the other kids off first. This last little girl, however, had me in tears with her hilarious comment—which I will forever dub ‘my favorite’, and give her the “GRANOLA BAR” award.

“Hmmm….wow. You know what?” this 6-year-old girl said, contemplative. “As I have been sitting here in your car, I thought it smelled like a dead body. And then, I thought it was throw-up, but I couldn’t find it. Then I just realized your car just stinks really bad.”

Granola bar, anyone?
(Actually, I was laughing, crying, wheezing, and snorting in unlady-like fashion too hard to even attempt to reach for the nearest granola bar.)
I do not claim to keep the cleanest car—but a dead body??! Classic!
I’m STILL laughing!

Her comment made me think of my blog post titled ‘JIM’ back in September.


My fear stems from what the accident scene would look like. (if I got into a car accident) Upon impact, the car would burst open, and clothes and assorted ‘junk’ would scatter everywhere. Half-eaten apples, banana peels, and forgotten baby bottles would add a nice ‘aroma’ to the mix. Someone might think I had stuffed a cadaver into the car!
“No,” I’d reply, “that’s my new car freshener. ‘Dead corpse ala mode’. If you breathe deeply- you can catch just a hint of formaldehyde. Lovely isn’t it?”
See! I wasn’t exaggerating!!
If you want to read the full story, click on the picture below. It’s one of my favorite blog stories that I’ve written.

Also--It’s not too late to enter the contest for the free make-up. It ends Thursday. Details are on Jordan’s post. (Mean Mommy Academy.)
Tune in THIS Friday to see what lucky reader won the make-up. Also—this Friday is yet another Fancy Free Friday giveaway! Woohoo! LOoOoVE summer!!
I do have to say, we have lined up some spectacular giveaways this summer--you won't be disappointed. We have some AweSoMe sponsors who are so generous, that I just want to blurt it out I am so excited! But I won't, surprises are always best. So stayed tuned for the Fancy Free Friday's!!


Lori said...

Kids are so cool. They say it how it is. Love that! Visiting from the MBC. Have an awesome day!!!


MommyMert said...

lol... love it. Jake likes to point out that I have a mole... touches it every time he sees it, such a self esteem builder.

pan x 8 said...

...out of the mouth of Babes.. I love all of it!

Mama Nut said...

LOL. I love kids! I can't wait until mine are talking!!

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

I give myself wedgies too.. she's not alone...

AnnieAd said...

Grandbabies can tickle your heart, too. I try not to correct the cute words. They'll grow up fast enough, and in the meantime, we can all enjoy some kidling humor.

Melinda said...

I love this post! This is Melinda from MBC and Coming Clean blog... You are I definitely have similar humor styles. ;0)
In fact, I have a feature starting on my blog later this week that takes off on funny kid quotes. ;0)
Your kids are hilarious. And just so you feel better about your car catastrophe, my daughter and her friend and my son were amusing themselves in the van while I was on the side of the road trying to figure out directions to some pre-teen party. Suddenly my son says, "Oooo, celery juice!" What the heck? Yes, apparently a bag of rotten celery was in the back, a forgotten remnant from a recent (hopefully) grocery trip. I think my daughter's friend was impressed. Not. Talk about smelling like a dead body! ;0)
Thanks for visiting my blog ... I'll be following yours! We've got to think of a way we can collaborate on a post sometime!

Lori said...

I really love your blog. You keep me laughing.
Thank you for visiting me as well.

Look forward to more fun times with you.


Heather said...

I love what kids say! My kids love hamgrburs. My youngest son wanted some candy from daddy, as daddy gave him a piece he said "go be good now." Looking at him he said seriously "um, no", and walked back to the computer to keep playing his game. It was hiliarious! My husband and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. I love how kids state it the way they see it.