March 07, 2011


Door-to-door salesmen. I have had some pretty interesting people come our way trying to sell us their products. I have had: the magazine subscription lady who is trying to earn her way to college and has shown up on our doorstep the last 3 years. {Yep—SAME lady. I guess she hasn’t raised enough money yet. Poor dear.}

I have had someone try to sell me the typical cleaners “so amazingly awesome, you can’t buy them in stores because they actually work.”

{I LOVE that sales pitch.} After drinking his cleaner to prove it was safe, this man even offered to clean a stain off my floor---vowing it would work.

What? There’s a cleaner so awesome it can combat kids and their messes? It can erase oil, engine grease, worn-out carpet, the occasional mystery stain known as the black plague, and bad memories? This I had to see. I led him to my hallway. Underestimating the nature and the power my kids wield when it comes to ruining things, little did he know it was stronger than the power of his cleaner.

I won’t go into detail about how long he scrubbed my hallway’s stain, but I was appreciative to have help while knowing it wasn’t all about arm strength and a good dose of positive determination.

I’ve also had several men try to sell me professional museum grade artwork for only $89! What a steal!

Then there was the fruit guy selling apples and oranges {which I did buy—and I buy every year. His produce is amazing.}

But despite all the quirky and weird things I’ve seen…they have been beaten by the man who stopped on my porch last Friday.

This is how it went down:

*Ding dong and heavy knocking* {Why must they do both? Isn’t a knock or just a door bell sufficient??!! It’s not like I live in the depths of a dungeon. Sheesh.}

I plaster on my expressionless nice face and open the door politely—he was lucky it wasn’t a glare since he did this during naptime when I had 3 sick kids sleeping.

Before I can say anything, this stranger starts his sales pitch. “Hello!” he says ubberly cheerful, eyes so wide he looks startled. I swear he’s on crack.

“I am here to feed your family!” he exclaims.

What is this?! I didn't know they had door-to-door grocery shopping fairies! Even if they do come middle-aged and high on crack, I nearly bolt for my grocery list with special instructions to pick up Olive Garden take-out while he's out. If he's feeding our family...I want good stuff.

“I am no different than the other guys who supply main-chain grocery stores like Costco, Smiths, and Alberstons," he continues. "My truck is loaded with steak and chicken. How about if I grab you a box? How many would you like?”

Dang it. There goes dinner. fairy fraud.

So 'Mr. Meat Man' didn’t ask—he just assumed I would want the meat packed in his truck as he drives around neighborhoods; and who knows how long it’s been sitting there? Um…E coli comes to mind. Also—why would anyone buy it? How do I know where it’s been, how safe it is, and what if my family got sick from it? Who do I contact? Should my kids end up with food poisoning, who do I complain to?

The door-to-door meat man by far blows the other solicitors out of the water.

Telling Mr. Meat Man the truth I say, “I’m a vegetarian.”

And right then, I have never been more grateful for making that lifestyle choice. I didn't even have to exercise some bogus excuse that chicken nuggets make me break into a sweat with pussy hives and steak makes me spontaneously moo.

He looks at me with disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?” He doesn’t believe me. Hearing the desperation in my voice to convince him--I'm not sure if I believe me.

“No, I’m not. I’ve been a vegetarian for 10 years.”

{Hallelujah! Let the heavens rain down with spinach leaves!}

“Wow,” he exclaims in surprise and glances down the street. “There sure are a lot of people in this neighborhood that are!”

That left me with a good laugh. I was kind of surprised that he wasn’t picking up the clues as he was being turned away by so many…. ‘vegetarians’ in the area. Huh.

So I have to ask, and we all want to know: What is the craziest or weirdest thing a solicitor has tried to sell to you? Please share!


kayli sue said...

I can't say I have had to many weird people but because I look way younger than I am they always ask if my parents are home... Haha I lie and say nope, they thank me for my time and are on their merry way! I hope I can pull a few more underaged looking years out of me so I can avoid the sales people.

Anita said...

I had the meat guy pull up to my house one day while I was outside with my kids. He told me that he had been delivering meat to some neighbors but he still had some left and how much would I like. I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to just simply stop on the street and assume that I would want to buy his meat. It took 10 minutes to convince him that I really, in fact, did NOT want to buy meat from him. That's funny that you have these guys in your area, too!