November 02, 2009


My daughter had a monumental moment in her young life this past week. A.K.A. Bisquick, my 6-year-old, lost her first tooth. After letting it hang loose and dangle like a worm on a fishing line for a month, it finally fell out! YAY!
Only, it wasn’t as momentous an occasion as planned because…

She swallowed it.



She bawled and bawled all night long. With red-rimmed eyes she sobbed, “The tooth fairy can’t come because she can’t take my tooth! I won’t get anything because I…I….swallowed it!”


The loss of a first tooth is a major highlight in a little kid’s life. They dream about their first tooth and what the tooth fairy is going to leave them. It’s almost as good as Santa Claus to them, and in her case, she swallowed her present.

My husband and I watched it happen. We are still laughing about it a week later, but when it happened, we painfully kept straight faces and reassured her that the tooth fairy was still going to leave her some loot even though she didn’t have the tooth. Thus, like any mom, I had to get pretty creative with the story line.

“How can the Tooth Fairy come?” she wailed, sniffing.

I told her that Tooth Fairy is best friends with Potty Fairy and that Potty Fairy would find the tooth—but I didn’t go into detail. I was feeling rather green myself as I envisioned this messy process. Potty Fairy is possibly the inventor of LYSOLand Amoxicillin.

No doubt that fairy is missing some of her own teeth. I’d gamble my entire piggy bank that girl has had cosmetic surgery done. She probably had her sense of smell removed along with a complete set of new veneers installed. I can also count all her friends on one hand.
Me, and the Tooth Fairy.

But don’t feel too sorry for Potty Fairy—dude, I made her up! Really, who feeds these kinds of “potty” stories to kids?

Oh, that’s right, it must be the deranged, morbid moms who are trying to desperately soothe a child’s heartache. (The category I plunge myself into every time I open my mouth.)

“There’s a potty fairy?” Bisquick sniffed, eyeing me skeptically.
“Of course there is honey!” I enthusiastically exaggerated the tone of my voice trying to sound like I knew everything—though I couldn’t look at her. “They don’t give her any movie time on Tinkerbell because…um…she stinks. She looks like pig pen from Charlie Brown. There’s a big brown cloud of….stuff….all around her. She ain’t pretty.”

Focus, I told myself. Bite the inside of your lip if you have to—but keep a straight face.

“But that doesn’t matter. She has wings, she’s a fairy--” She probably flies a little tipsy “—but she is the most useful fairy to tooth fairy. Without her, there wouldn’t be money under your pillow tonight.”

“What’s her name?”

“Pia—uh…um…that’s short for uh…” I had to make her sound pretty. “Piyanna.”

My daughter pronounces it slowly. “Pee-ON-a?”


“Oh, no…um….I think….I think it was Toiletta, my bad,” I fumbled. “She might be a twin….”

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

“But they have wings," I said, "and I’m sure they wear green like Tinkerbell.

Actually, I’m pretty positive about that.

With tears on her cheeks, my 6-year-old fell asleep. Well, wouldn’t you know, that night the tooth fairy DID come! My daughter woke the next morning with squeals.

I gave her a huge hug and smiled. “See,” I said, “she came!”
She giggled, super excited as relief shone on her face.
“But mommy?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“It’s kind of lame. She only gave me a dollar.”

I laughed out loud. “Well honey, she had to split some of the cost with Potty Fairy. Potty Fairy charges more to extract teeth.”


“I have another loose tooth,” she gushes.

Think a happy thought, think a happy thought….
“You do?”

She wiggles the tooth next to the one she lost and sure enough, I can see another tooth coming in.

“Well who do you want this time?” I teased her. “Potty fairy or tooth fairy?”
“Tooth fairy!” she answers immediately. “Because I don’t like the way I feel when I swallow teeth.”

Amen Sista!
Neither would I.


jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

I spat out my first tooth thinking it was an apple seed. Yes, I was eating an apple when it happened, hence the assumption that it was a seed.

I cried. In fact, it was at your parents house! Funny memory. I think every parent has a funny tooth loosing story ;) Superb post- miss ya tons!

MommyMert said...

HAHAHAHA.... I totally just read this to Tim, and we both think you are seriously screwed up. :)
(in a good sorta way). Tai Pan was small.. still ok for last minute things, but I think I would rather make the drive.

AnnieAd said...

Little Lori laughed hard! It was great to see her laugh!

Heather said...

POTTY FAIRY???? oh good greif! I don't want to know what SHE collects! I think you deserve the green scaly sheep thingy from the butt ugly contest you wrote about! You can make a new contest, the butt ugly story contest!

I laughed so hard!

Jill said...

awesome! good save camryn! i wish i had known about the 'other' fairies when my teenagers were little! the playground fairy would have saved us a sad, desperate hour of picking through wood chips and not finding the tooth. we just told the toothfairy her tooth was there in a note with a map to the slide! thanks for the laugh.