I promised myself I would do something different.
I’m trying a different parenting method. To be honest, as much as I love my kids, I struggle to like them some days. The last few days I needed to force myself to make an effort, because sometimes, it’s easier to do nothing at all. So, I came up with a plan. I’m not into fortunetellers, or Taro cards, and I don’t own a magic 8 ball—but I found something much more rewarding.
Awesome, right? These dove chocolates are the ones that have the messages inside them. Like I said, more rewarding!
I promised to make an effort. I had to abide by my own rules. Why? I dunno—because I’m the only judge….
or maybe because I’m the only idiot playing this game.
Giddily I opened the first one. I temporarily forgot the message as I entered chocolate bliss….
(Because all my wrappers were ripped open in haste to get to the chocolates, I am using a proxy.)
“Oh, no. What did you do?”
Man, she knows me too well!
“I um……well, I……” Why is it so hard to say it? “I……..love you….when you watch my kids. Thanks.”
Yeah, good question. I’m wracking my brain too….
“The, uh, last time you watched them. Maybe tonight?”
Okay…….maybe not. But it was a clever try. “A” for effort!
“Well, that was nice of you to say.”
“My dove told me to.”
“Your what? What did it say?”
Wait a minute. She isn’t going to ask if I got a bird? She knows exactly what I’m referring to? She automatically assumed it was chocolate? We chocoholics have a sixth sense. She can probably smell it through the phone line. Animals are not just animals to us anymore. You say “Cadbury” we think “bunny” (which in translation really means “chocolate.”) You say “turtle”—we think “chocolate covered peanut clusters with caramel.” You say “dove”—we automatically think “Velvety chocolate bliss”.
*I make a mental note to seek counseling.
“So,” My mom says, “You're unfolding dove chocolates and doing what they tell you to?”
“I’m not crazy,” I assure her. “I’ve inhaled a dangerous amount of toxic fumes eeking out of my babe’s diaper,” I admit, “but I’m told there isn’t brain damage associated with that kind of thing. HAHAHAHAHAHA!” I laugh, thinking I’m so cleaver and funny. It only makes me look more insane.
“By the way, don’t change diapers while eating chocolate,” I warn my mom. “Dangerous combination.”
*Painful silence.* I can visualize my mom dialing the number for the state hospital. That’s MY sixth sense.
“okay, love you, bye!”
I hang up quickly, smoothing my hair, and open another piece. The state won’t take me alive. I don’t look good in white.
I begin to think, ‘you know what? This is crazy and fun!’
Watch out world, Cam is going rogue!
HOLD ME BACK!
Little does the Dove Company know they are bringing families together, 5 velvety chocolate flavors at a time. (As well as sending women to weight watchers clinics that have signs above the door that read: please use the double doors around back!)
I open 5 more chocolates. (It’s been ‘one of those days’.)
Dove’s demands: Always smile, it disguises wrinkles. The key to happiness is enthusiasm. Smile, you are amazing! Embrace yourself with a hug. Liberate yourself from your secrets.
Hmmm….to save time, I’ll just combine them all, I think. Embrace yourself with a hug?
What if the state walks in? They make jackets that hug people. I don’t want a hug from their jacket….
My mind whispers sinisterly, You’re going wild, Cam, Remember?
“I love you, Camryn!” I shout enthusiastically. Because my Dove told me to. “Awwww! You’re the bestest friend you’ve ever had!” To disguise my wrinkles, I smile as wide as the Joker. Because, my Dove told me to. “Awwww!”
“I AM amazing!” I declare with a smile, because…….my Dove told me to. I need to liberate myself from my secrets! Why? Because…….I don’t want counseling.
“I LOVE CHOCOLATE! I ADMIT IT…I’M AN ADDICT!”
There’s happiness, enthusiasm, amazing liberation, and plain ole’ idiocy.
My daughter walks in, having heard my shouts.
I end the hug, clear my throat, and embrace the next chocolate instead.
I kid you not, it reads:
Well, I’ve already done that. Success! This Dove counseling is really working! Great parenting tips too, may I add. Like ‘clean your room’, ‘pay your mother’. (Yeah, I’m making those up, but those would be awesome. Then I’d stick them under the kid's pillows and say they were gifts from the Dove Fairy.)
I highly recommend the Dove challenge! I’m giving it 5 stars!
I have plans. Big plans. I went back to the store and bought their Valentine edition. I’m going to use these during the upcoming week until Valentines Day…..so stay tuned, world.
*Valentine’s dim-witted adventures to be continued next Monday….*