December 06, 2010

HOW I TOLD MY KIDS MAMA WAS ONE CHILD HEAVIER







Do you love coming up with creative ideas of how to tell your family you’re pregnant?



I don’t go all out, I like to keep it simple instead of making it a huge production—however, one year, when I found out I was pregnant with my second, I read an article on:
Creative Ways to Tell Your Husband.



I took one reader’s suggestion, who placed a “bun in the oven” for her husband to find. Since we didn’t have “Buns” like in the hamburger kind, I used what I had. A roll. A dinner roll. I placed it stupidly in the center of the oven and turned on the light—waiting for the hubby to figure out the riddle.



I don’t remember much except that when he came home from a long day at work, I told him to look in the oven. Squealing on the inside, I followed. He opened the oven and made a confused face. “That’s dinner? A single roll?”











“No….but it does mean something.”


“All…the…cookies sheets were dirty?”


“No.” I prompted him to try again.


“You were experimenting?”


“No—it was planned.” I emphasized.


“Huh.” He was dumbfounded. I finally had to play a round of 20 questions with him.


“What’s another name for a roll?”


“Biscuit? Bread?”


“How about a bun?”


“What? When have we ever said, ‘let’s make buns to go with dinner’?”


Sigh. “We haven’t,” I rolled my eyes. “You’re missing the point. There is a BUN in the OVEN.”


“Yeah…?”


Mentally smacking my head, I realized why we never play games. Yeah, so-o-o-o-o not our thing.


“So…..” he began, “there’s a bun in the oven?”


“Yes.”


Silence. A generation of baby boomers have aged another decade.


“Do you get it?”


“No.”


“I’m pregnant.”


“Really? So what’s with the bun?”




I have actually used that method several other times because it’s so dang stupid and no one can ever figure out what it means. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who gets my humor…



This past week on Thanksgiving Day, my husband and I took our four kids aside and decided to tell them that they were going to have a new sibling. I wish I had recorded it. I would have won AFV’s $100,000 giveaway.



This is how it went down:




Hubby: “Hey guys, mommy has something she wants to tell you.”


My kids crowded around and I began. “Okay kids, something is different with mommy and we’re going to play 20 questions. What do you think it is?”


7 year old: “You finally put on make-up!”


Me: “No! Well, yes…but that’s not it.”


10 year old: “You finally brushed your hair!”


Me: “No! Well, yes….but that’s not it either.”


10 year old: “Oh! I know! Wow look at your nose! It sure has gotten bigger!”


Me: “Noooooooo! Okay, let’s change tactics. Why do you think mommy has been throwing up so much?”


7 year old: “Because you don’t want to do house work!”


Me: “No.”


10 year old: “Because you have a really bad flu?”


Me: “nope.”


This wasn’t getting anywhere so I said, “Okay, mommy has been sick because little kids can sometimes make mommy sick. As in 5 little kids can do that to mommy.”


I wait, trying to get them to figure it out.


Blank stares.


7 year old: “There are only 4 kids.”


Me: “I know. So 5 kids can make mommy sick.”


7 year old: She begins to tick off the names of all her siblings. “There’s only four mom. Duh. Oh! I know! DADDY is the 5th kid!”


Huge laugh.


Me: “No—it isn’t daddy.”


7 year old: “Oh! It’s Camry!” {As in, our dog.}


Me: “Uh…no.”


7 year old: “Cousin Camdyn?”


Me: “NO,” I say rolling my eyes.


Different tactic. Husband says, “Hmmmm….bodies can change when something different happens. Where do babies grow?”


10 year old: Her eyes light up and she has an instant answer. “I know! I know! THE SINK!!!!!!!”


What?! The Kitchen Sink?!


*Big uproarious laughter.*


Um….there is no lightbulb on today. She’s 10! We’ve had “the talk”—out of anyone, she should have gotten this answer.


My hubby: “Wow. Okay, um….there are a LOT of things growing in the sink—but a baby won’t be one of them.”




*************TIME OUT***********










I’m going to take a moment here to pause. Um, if I knew my kitchen sink could be impregnated, I would have had it artificially inseminated and forced to be my surrogate 3 kids ago. I would have babied that sink, nurtured it, held its faucet through it all. And in its honor, I would have named a child after it.



Yes, I'd name my kid Sink. {the 'T' between the 's' and 'i' is silent and invisible. :) }




"Sink get down here! It's time to do your chores! Grab your brother Disposal while you're at it. I know his door is locked. Yes, I know he suffers with self-esteem issues but he still needs to get down here and do his job!"





Okay, sorry, back to story:





My hubby and I take a new approach. “Okay kids,” he says, “mommies have babies. So if 5 kids make mommy sick then that means….”





"GASP!"



“Nana is pregnant!” They squeal.


Me: “No,” I say in a deadpan voice. “I guarantee grandma was done 30 years ago.”



7 year old: “Oh! Grammy is pregnant!”


Me: “NO!” growl. “That grandma was done having babies at the same time! Who else could be pregnant?”


Silence. There are officially stumped. And because it’s human nature when people can’t figure out an answer—they begin throwing out guesses.



“Aunt Tandi?”


“The neighbor across the street?”


“Kenzi?”



“Who else is there?”


Me: “I dunno. Are you sure you haven’t guessed them all?”


So this guessing game continues on forever and finally I have to tell them flat out that I’m pregnant—because they sure as heck weren’t going to figure it out on their own.



*Note to self: When signing up to play Family Feud on national TV, NEVER use them as my team members.*




Anyway, having blown my chance at winning the $100,000 prize money on AFV, I suppose I’ll have to settle for the memory instead. :)




{upon further investigation, I opened the cupboard below the sink and stared. Wouldn’t you know—there are pipes, wires, and tubes running everywhere from the sink, to the dishwasher, to the water softener. I never realized how much all those tubes do indeed look like the bowels and intestines of the human stomach. Maybe my daughter wasn’t so far off on her guess.
It now makes me wonder….hmmm…..
Seriously, go check your plumbing. Er…yeah, that sounded bad. I meant the sink’s plumbing! :) }

5 comments:

Jess said...

Thank you so much for the uproariously funny post which led to a great big belly laugh. I was laughing so hard there were tears I kid you not! Thank you. xD

iamwoman said...

I came from Jordan's blog and OMG you had my laughing in hysterics. Seriously made my day!

Lali Johnson said...

First off, CONGRATS for posting again! We all miss you!

And can I just say that you crack me up! That was awesome!

MommyMert said...

:)

Jill said...

i sooo understand the don't get it family! when i told my hubby we were having our 1st pregnancy baby after the 5 adopted, i thought i would surprise him with a card on our date night. the end said, congratulations on being a daddy - again!! he sooo didn't get it, and my happy bubble burst as i had to try VERY hard to explain it to him. *sigh*