May 03, 2010


Once upon a time………

Shaw, right! I’ll just sum up the appendix and go right into the conflict of my story. There lived an insane girl. Yep, you know her name—and she’s not shy to admit that she could use daily injections of gorilla glue just to keep it all together. This woman—who’s IQ took a hit 2 weeks ago like Wallstreet’s stock market—wanted to make her husband happy. Buying a rusty, repugnant old ambulance wasn’t an option. So, she allowed him to buy a puppy……

*Yeah, you see where I’m going with this, right?! This is where the story takes a dark and sinister turn. Cue the ominous music from Phantom of the Opera*

(That’s the organ in the background. Imagination with some mad skill required.)



This by far, is my best blog post E.V.E.R.

I grew up with puppies, I was aware of how playful they were. BUT—now that I am a mom and have 4 kids, it is truly like raising an infant. A killer wolf-cub infant. Honestly, this dog is the most lethal canine—aside from Chuck Norris.

It bites, chews, and chomps on everything—including the kids and the rumps on the back of their roasts. Seriously, I’m so tired of hearing the blood-curdling screams of my offspring every time they walk past the dog.

ME: “Come on, guys! Your complaints are SoOoOoo overrated! Do you really need that ankle, kids?! Huh? HUH?!”


You’d think the dog was using them for her own personal fire hydrant!

I remember this training tip from my childhood.


Forget the squirt bottle. I took the puppy outside, turned on the sprinkler, and threw it in.
Awesome. I had forgotten how Golden Retrievers LOVE water.

I watched despondently. So much for discipline. My sprinkler now has teeth impressions where the puppy took a good half-hour to grind its slayer jaws against the disciplinary spray. Yeah, go get that sprinkler, dog. *snort* I’d like to see how you’d fare against a fireman’s high-pressure hose.

I love this little ball of teeth, but it’s like raising a piranha on 4 legs. Do you know how hard it is to potty train a hybrid piranha to use grass?

She bites and chews on everything she can find.

Take a look at this:

My son will be lucky if he can keep his manhood into adulthood.

From my book--

Oh, oops. My bad. I meant this one:

I read that dogs NEED exercise....

Yeah......I just don’t know who is walking who.

They also need:

*24/7 attention
*And playtime
*And naptime
*And target practice time.
(That’s for me)
*And eating time
*And potty-training time

You know, I do love the dog. She’s adorable, but she makes the days V-E-R-Y long. When she gets older she’ll be a great dog, but for now, she’s my sprinkler lovin’ nemesis.

*headline photo courtesy of, and*


BrittanyLane said...

Been there. done that. Why does a puppy EVER seem like a good idea??? A puppy is not really like an infant, more like a very needy two-year old on steroids. With sharper teeth and an appetite for destruction. It's a good thing they are cute. And is DOES get better after a year or so. Good luck!

jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

You are right.
Best post e.v.e.r.
Love it!

Heather said...

Oh my! I remember when my lab was a puppy! She was soo cute! We didn't bother reading up on what taking care of a lab puppy ment. I figured the usual chewed up shoes, shocks...errr socks, and potty training. What I didn't know is that they LOOOOOVE to chew on wood...ya so there goes the legs on my dinner table, chairs, back yard steps, coffee table, AND base boards! HOW she was able to get teeth marks on a flat wall surface I will never know! Did I mention door frames? much fun! NOT!

Amy said...

Oh but you are doing such a good job at caring for that little cutie. I guess I have my selfish reasons that I want you to hang in there, my kids can get their dog fix with you guys having her around and then hey, I don't have to go through the misery!! I'm SOOOOO sorry, pups are pretty tough. Okay, so I'm thinking she can't be worse than my little cranky Wilson, and I promise each day gets a little better and a little better. She'll be the best dog on the block in no time. Hang in there friend!!

Anonymous said...

We had an australian shepherd/blue heeler mix and she LOVED to chew. She DESTROYED my couch, it was awful. BUT, we learned that you can buy this spray at PETSMART that makes everything taste nasty, even to them, and they won't eat it!! You could try that?

For the "potty-training", we used potty mats for the first month or two. Our German Shepherd mix caught on a lot quicker then the blue heeler mix did. But, it's true, it's like having another infant.

Emmy said...

More like a toddler on sugar than a newborn.
Good luck. And espeically since it isn't me, this post is pretty dang funny ;)

Kayli Sue said...

Haha that is hilarious! we are thinking of getting a puppy...well we WERE thinking about getting a puppy. I think I might need to have a talk with my husband... :)

Anonymous said...

that's EXACTLY why I refuse to get a puppy.

S Farrell said...

LOL! My husband keeps trying to convince me that it's time for a dog...well 2 actually, he would like 2 from the same litter. I should make him read this :)

Brittany said...

In about a year it will get better. Great choice of dog though...even though it is in destruct-o mode. When mine were pups they ate our couch, the corners of our carpets and shoes...oh those were big. Great post by the way!

Rhaven said...

LOL I love it!!! Thanks for the great comment on my blog. Now following you. And thank you for the laughter =)