Once upon a time………
Shaw, right! I’ll just sum up the appendix and go right into the conflict of my story. There lived an insane girl. Yep, you know her name—and she’s not shy to admit that she could use daily injections of gorilla glue just to keep it all together. This woman—who’s IQ took a hit 2 weeks ago like Wallstreet’s stock market—wanted to make her husband happy. Buying a rusty, repugnant old ambulance wasn’t an option. So, she allowed him to buy a puppy……
*Yeah, you see where I’m going with this, right?! This is where the story takes a dark and sinister turn. Cue the ominous music from Phantom of the Opera*
DA! DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
(That’s the organ in the background. Imagination with some mad skill required.)
DA DA, DA DAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
This by far, is my best blog post E.V.E.R.
I grew up with puppies, I was aware of how playful they were. BUT—now that I am a mom and have 4 kids, it is truly like raising an infant. A killer wolf-cub infant. Honestly, this dog is the most lethal canine—aside from Chuck Norris.
It bites, chews, and chomps on everything—including the kids and the rumps on the back of their roasts. Seriously, I’m so tired of hearing the blood-curdling screams of my offspring every time they walk past the dog.
ME: “Come on, guys! Your complaints are SoOoOoo overrated! Do you really need that ankle, kids?! Huh? HUH?!”
KIDS: “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! SAVE US MOMMY!”
You’d think the dog was using them for her own personal fire hydrant!
I remember this training tip from my childhood.
Forget the squirt bottle. I took the puppy outside, turned on the sprinkler, and threw it in.
Awesome. I had forgotten how Golden Retrievers LOVE water.
I watched despondently. So much for discipline. My sprinkler now has teeth impressions where the puppy took a good half-hour to grind its slayer jaws against the disciplinary spray. Yeah, go get that sprinkler, dog. *snort* I’d like to see how you’d fare against a fireman’s high-pressure hose.
I love this little ball of teeth, but it’s like raising a piranha on 4 legs. Do you know how hard it is to potty train a hybrid piranha to use grass?
She bites and chews on everything she can find.
Take a look at this:
My son will be lucky if he can keep his manhood into adulthood.
From my book--
Oh, oops. My bad. I meant this one:
I read that dogs NEED exercise....
Yeah......I just don’t know who is walking who.
They also need:
*And target practice time. (That’s for me)
*And eating time
*And potty-training time
You know, I do love the dog. She’s adorable, but she makes the days V-E-R-Y long. When she gets older she’ll be a great dog, but for now, she’s my sprinkler lovin’ nemesis.
*headline photo courtesy of methink.com, and cafepress.com*